In memory of Beau Nicole

*

2008-10-23T22:06:00.001+01:00

My pretty little girls birth, life and death story...

2008-10-23T21:38:00.005+01:00

January - June, 2008
To start with I was quite nervous when I discovered I was pregnant. Then to find out it was twins was amazing. It took a while for the news to sink in but in the end I couldn't wait to meet you both. Everyday I was sick for months and months and all I did was complain. Then, I went to the hospital to see if you were boys or girls, and I found that you were both girls. I was so happy I rang everyone I knew and then went round to your great nannys house and told her and we had a little party. At the scan the doctor had said that you were almost the same size so I was happy and care free. In the next few weeks my feet started swelling up and my tummy ballooned but I just thought it was because you were both going to be little fattys so I wasn't worried. Two weeks later I started getting really painful contractions but I just thought they were braxton hicks because I was only 22 weeks and I couldn't be in labour! I decided to go to the doctors though just to make sure everything was ok and the doctor did a scan and I found out that my precious girls had got stage 2 ttts. This scared me very much because I was so out of my depth with you both. I was told all the measurements of my little girls. Baby A was the first number and then Baby B was the second number:

Bipariteal diameter: 59.5 mm 51.9 mm
Occipitofrontal diameter: 56.2 53.9
Head circumference: 197.6 190.8
Abdominal circumference: 187.1 151.3
Femur length: 35.0 34.0
Head circumference to femur length: 5.6 5.7
Head circumference to abdominal circumference: 1.05 1.26
Amniotic fluid: 83.0 21.0

I will never forget those last 2 numbers. They echoed in my head for a while, I can tell you. Then I was told my treatment options and I was sent home to think about what i wanted to do. When I got home I decided to google TTTS and what I read scared me even more. I finally decided what I wanted to do but then the contractions came back so I went straight to the hospital and found out I was in preterm labour! So I had to go on mag sulfate for 48 hours and this made me very very sick and dizzy and I didn't like it much but I did it for my little girls.
I spoke to the consultant while I was in hospital about having the laser surgery and he gave me an appointment to assess your condition, have a colour flow doppler and see if I met the criteria for the laser treatment. At my scan I found out that Baby A still had 87mm and Baby B now had 19mm which made us at Stage 3. Baby B weighed around 450g and Baby A weighed around 625g so you had a 38% discordance. I found out aswell that Blair had a velamentous cord insertion which made her have intermittent absent diastolic flow. I was told that for laser surgery I would have to go to London or Birmingham but that my babies weren't doing that good so I was given an amnioreduction and referred to Queen Charlotte’s and Chelsea hospital in London for treatment. The amnioreduction hurt a bit and they drained off 1.4 liters of fluid from around Baby Beau! Then at the next scan I was told that the amnioreduction had helped a bit and that Beau’s heart was doing much better and Blair had grown a bit. I also found out that both my precious little girls had VSD's (holes in their hearts). At my next scan I was told that Baby A's fluid was back up in the 90's but Baby B's were not as low as they were before so both of the twins were doing ok.
The next day I went for my next amnioreduction which went terribly because the doctor accidentally did a septostomy which meant that I couldn’t have laser surgery. This made me really mad, and it still does because now I will always wonder how having laser surgery could have helped. Then on June 26th I went down to London.

June - July, 2008
When I got to London the doctor did a scan and told me that the membrane had detatched from the wall of the placenta and was wrapped around Blair (the donor baby) and that there was hardly any fluid between her and the membrane. I had scans every 12 hours to keep an eye on you both. The doctor decided that if the fluid got any lower then he'd deliver you both. He was concerned with fluid around Blair’s lungs and tricuspid regurgitation as well. I was so scared while I was in pregnant in London because I was all on my own and very scared about what would happen to my little girls. Beau (recipient baby) was doing a bit better but was in early stages of heart failure and had fluid around her abdomen and heart (called hydrops). But the doctor tried to reassure me by telling me that Beau’s dopplers were much better. Beau was around 2lb 4oz and Blair was about 1lb 8oz at this point. These were really good weights for 25 weeks. Then, I discovered I had a grade 2 placental abruption, I was lying in bed and suddenly felt a pop and there was a gush of blood but the Dr said it was only a partial abruption which was supposed to stop me worrying a bit. I had one big long contraction and was put on complete bedrest and wasn’t even allowed to get up for a wee like I was before when while I was on bedrest up until then.
I was then put on terbutaline instead of mag sulfate because mag sulfate made me so sick and I was put on a million other drugs to help my babies get better. The babies were showing some signs of distress and I went into shock because I was really weak and faint. Then my abruption worsened so the Dr scheduled a csection for me because it was too risky for my twins to stay in there. Beau Nicole was born 7.23am 2lb 2oz & Blair Niamh was born 7.25am 1lb 7.5oz on July 7th 2008 by csection.

7 - 28 July, 2008
After my babies were born I had a grade 3 (a complete) abruption and hemorraged so I lost a lot of blood and I was unconcious. I had quite a few blood transfusions and platelet transfusions and because of the loss of blood and went into hypovolemic shock. The twins were doing ok though. The babies were put in the same incubator for a while but then Beau started going a bit blue and not responding to some of the meds so they did an echo of her heart and things to check it out and they were put in seperate incubators. Then Blair’s oxygen sats dropped when she was moved away from Beau because you both loved each other very much and weren’t used to being away from each other. Both babies were put on IV's and ventilators. I was kept unconsious because I was very poorly. On 12th July I got puerperal fever. Blair was put on CPAP on 14th July she was doing so well but Beau lost a lot of weight and went down to 1lb 4oz and the Drs found a problem with her kidneys as well as her poorly little heart. On 15th July I got ever worse and had a seizure and the hypovolemic shock made me go into prerenal acute renal failure. I also had a fever of just over 40oC and the Drs were worried that I was getting hyperpyrexia. On the 18th July my temperature went down and the Drs moved me out of ICU. Blair put on more weight too so she was up to 1lb 7oz.
Beau wasn't so good though she went downhill in the night and had a bleed on her brain and her heart was still giving her problems. On the 21st July Blair was doing really good she was up to 1lb 11oz and the Dr decided to put put her on oxygen, just the nose tube but they thought she'd probably be able to breathe on her own pretty quickly. Beau was doing a bit better aswell she had something in her head to drain the bleed and put on weight so she was up to 1lb 7oz but was still on the ventilator. On 25th July Beau had had another brain bleed (grade 4 IVH) and her heart was really weak and the Dr said that she probably wouldnt get through the night. Beau got through the night though thank god and Saturday night everyone was praying that she held on till I woke up so that I could meet her. Well, on Sunday morning I woke up! When I woke up I felt terrible because I had been asleep for 3 whole weeks while my beautiful girls were fighting for their lives in the NICU. I was taken straight down to see my babies. I was struggling to stay upright the whole time because I was so shocked. Baby Beau flatlined a few times while I was there which obviously scared me even more! By this time Beau was so weak and couldn't even keep her eyes open for long but she saved her strength to see me and for that I am so very proud.

Then on Monday 28th of July at 1. 57pm Beau Nicole died in her mummys arms and my world collapsed around me. I took Beau with me back to my room and kept her sleeping peacefully in a pretty pink sleepsuit in a cot by my side for 2 days because I just couldn’t bear to let her go.

A few poems for my baby girl:

2008-10-23T09:37:00.005+01:00

*You left and forgot to tell my heart how to live without you.

*Your little girl cries too much,
My little girl doesn't make a sound,
Your little girl lies warm in her crib,
My little girl lies cold in the ground,
Your little girl woke up in the night,
My little girl never will,
Your little girl laughs and plays,
My little girl lays still,
Your little girl makes you proud,
But just as proud am i,
For your little girl will learn to walk,
My little girl can FLY.

*Some people think if you hold on,
You're staying strong,
But sometimes it's the letting go and remembering,
that hurts the most,
but is the most important.

*Softly the leaves of memory fall
Gently I gather and treasure them all,
Unseen, unheard you are always near,
So missed, so loved, so very dear.
No longer in our lives to share,
But in our hearts you're always there.

* (from April) We little knew that morning
that God would call your name I
n life we love you dearly
and in death we do the same

It broke our hearts to lose you
You did not go alone
For part of us went with you
the day God called you home

You left us peaceful memories
your love is still our guide
and although we cannot see
you you are always by our side

The family chain is broken
and nothing seems the same
but as God calls us one by one
The chain wll link again

*From the start you were a bonus
though you gave your Mum a shock
that two were in her flock.

But Darling twasn't meant to be
that you would see the light
The world just wasn't ready
the time just wasn't right.

You came in peace and comfort
and knew no other way
They tried to keep you healthy
but you just couldn't stay.

You touched so many people
your Mum, your sister Blair,
your brother Paris
we wish you'd had a chance.

So she will not forget you
she has your sister here
To love and laugh and cuddle
and keep your memory near.

*Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

*Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.

Don't worry about making me cry
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.

I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she is been missed.

You ask me how I am doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.

*Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone.
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone.
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum.
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message She Is Dead.
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

She was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

*When you lose a parent, you lose your past.
When you lose a spouse, you lose your present...
But when you lose a child, you lose your future.

A wife who loses her husband is called a widow.
A husband who loses his wife is called a widower.
A child who loses their parents is called an orphan.
But there is no word for a parent who loses a child... That's how awful the loss is.

*If I could have a lifetime wish,
A dream that would come true,
I'd pray to God with all my heart
for yesterday and you.

A thousand words can't bring you back;
I know because I've tried.
And neither will a million tears,
I know because I've cried.
You left behind a broken heart
And happy memories too.

I never wanted memories, I only wanted you.

*Beautiful memories
Silently kept
Of a baby I loved
And will never forget

*Precious angel sent to earth, did they tell you of your worth?
More than diamonds, rubies or gold, only you do i want to hold.

*Even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you,
I love you. With all my heart, I L O V E Y O U...

*I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

*I measure every grief I meet
With analytic eyes;
I wonder if it weighs like mine,
Or has an easier size.

I wonder if they bore it long,
Or did it just begin?
I could not tell the date of mine,
It feels so old a pain.

I wonder if it hurts to live,
And if they have to try,
And whether, could they choose between,
They would not rather die.

I wonder if when years have piled
Some thousands on the cause
Of early hurt, if such a lapse
Could give them any pause;

Or would they go on aching still
Through centuries above,
Enlightened to a larger pain
By contrast with the love.

*I am worn out with grief; every night my bed is damp from my weeping; my pillow is soaked with tears.
(Psalm 6:6)

*Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in trouble; my eyes are tired from so much crying; I am completely worn out.
I am exhausted by sorrow, and weeping has shortened my life.
I am weak from all my troubles; even my bones are wasting away.
All my enemies and especially my neighbors treat me with contempt; those who know me are afraid of me; when they see me in the street, they run away.
Everyone has forgotten me, as though I were dead; I am like something thrown away.
(Psalm 31:9-12)

*Thou (God) will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee:
because he trusteth in thee.
(Isaiah 26:3)

*If Snowdrops grow in heaven,
Please pick a bunch for me,
place them in my babies arms
and tell her they're from me.

Tell her I love her and miss her,
and when she turns to smile,
place a kiss upon her cheek
and hold her for a while.

Because remembering her is easy,
I do it every day,
but there's an ache within my heart
That will never go away.

*I lost my child today
People came to weep and cry
As I just sat and stared, dry eyed
They struggled to find words to say
To try and make the pain go away
I walked the floor in disbelief
I lost my child today.

I lost my child last month
Most of the people went away
Some still call and some still stay
I wait to wake up from this dream
This can't be real, I want to scream
Yet everything is locked inside
God, help me, I want to die
I lost my child last month.

I lost my child last year
Now people who had came, have gone
I sit and struggle all day long
To bear the pain so deep inside
And now my friends just question
Why? Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song
Good heavens, it has been so long
I lost my child last year.

Time has not moved on for me
The numbness it has disappeared
My eyes have now cried many tears
I see the look upon your face
"She must move on and leave this place"
Yet I am trapped right here in time
The songs the same, as is the rhyme
I lost my child.........Today

*When tomorrow starts without me
and I am not here to see,
if the sun should rise
and find your eyes
all filled with tears for me.

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things
we didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
as much as I love you,
and each time you think of me
I know you'll miss me too.

But when tomorrow starts without me,
please try to understand,
that an angel came
and called my name
and took me by the hand.

She said my place was ready,
in Heaven far above,
and that I'd have to leave behind,
all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
a tear fell from my eye,
for all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,
so much yet to do,
it seemed almost impossible,
that I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
and all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
just even for awhile,
I'd say goodbye and kiss you
and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
that this could never be,
for emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
my heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
from His great golden throne.

He said, "This is Eternity, all I've promised you".
Today your life on Earth is past, but here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last,
and since each day's the same day, there's no longing for the past.

But you have been so faithful,
so trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things,
you knew you shouldn't do.

But you have been forgiven
and now at last you're free.
So won't you take my hand
and share my life with me?

So when tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart,
for every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

*Don't wake me I'm dreaming of wonderful things
Of castles, and kingdoms, and kittens with wings.
Of teddy bears tumbling on magic moonbeams,
Don't wake me I'm dreaming my sweet baby dreams

*One night I dreamed a dream.
I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.

For each scene,
I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
one belonging to me and one to my Lord.
When the last scene of my life shot before me
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.

There was only one set of footprints.
I realized that this was at the lowest
and saddest times of my life.
This always bothered me
and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma.

"Lord, You told me when I decided to follow You,
You would walk and talk with me all the way.
But I'm aware that during the most troublesome times of my life
there is only one set of footprints.
I just don't understand why,
when I need You most,
You leave me.

"He whispered, "My precious child,
I love you and will never leave you,
never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you."

*Dear Lord,
Before I give her up to you and place her in your loving arms,
please let me smell her newborn smell and caress her silky baby fine hair.
Before I give her up to you,
please let me kiss that sweetest baby nose.
Before I give her up to you,
please let me snuggle her ice cold cheek next to mine and let the warmth of my face bring her back to life.
Before I give her up to you,
please let me feel the weight of her little body cradled in my arms. Before I give her up to you,
please let me place her on my chest to feel my beating heart and imagine her taking a long baby nap that she will soon be waking from.
Before I give her up to you,
please let me whisper precious lullabies and "I love you's" in her ears.
Before I give her up to you,
let me take one long last look to last me all my life.
And now I give her up to you....
Please tell her that we love her so and to wait for us one day.
By Melanie Ferris